01.14.07

Is there a cure for Nashville rash?

Posted in mimi hates on pop country, random - January 14th, 2007 at 5:36 pm by Mimi

So. Nashville Star.

This is the thing, don’t judge. Take some time and Tivo this gem of reality television to watch with your people when y’all’re all drinking and you need something to feel superior about. You will not regret it.

As a side note, if you see me in the next couple weeks, Cricket didn’t get tired of my bullshit and decide to shut me up. I tripped over a suitcase and went flying. The black eye is a product of my own stupidity. (Yes, I am pretty casual about this, remember the chupacabra incident at Mucklewain? If I’m not injured somehow, I must have been laying low nursing the last injury.) [She does look like some tried to take her down. I swear, she fell when she was alone. She's not lying because she's afraid of what I'll do next.—Cricket]

I need to say upfront that I hate reality tv and my only experience with it is some other episodes of this show and my mom making me watch Amazing Race now and again. If I sound ignorant of the genre, I actually am. /superior tones

In the future, there may be many special posts about NS because I am going to drag Cricket to a filming and I watch the show talking to my friend in Boston who is a reality show whore. Much of my commentary is influenced by her opinions because she’s the expert.

If I didn’t live in Nashville, there’s no way I would ever watch this show in any way but passing, but living here it’s sort of like watching the goings-on with the student council when you’re in school or something. There’s a lot that gets said that if you don’t know how to read between the lines would just go right over your head. Nashville is an industry town, for better or worse, and I will take one for the team and parse Nashville Star as a bitchy anthropologist for your edification and entertainment.

First off, please tune in next week, because these posts will be much more interesting if you have a clue what I’m talking about.

Now, for the Perez Hilton style commentary. Nice. Very nice. Okay this article combined with comments made by Blake Shelton to Kacey Musgraves that they know each other makes me wonder what kind of vetting process they have for this show. Unlike American Idol, I think this show must be totally cast with people known to the producers in some way. That is so utterly Nashville, it’s sort of fitting. I really love the part where Whitney works at the Wildhorse Saloon. This is sort of one of those purely 2nd Avenue places that’s so completely a tourist trap. It reminds me of Branson, MO.

On to the content of the actual show.

As was my experience with American Idol when I was forced to watch the try-outs with my mother, I think my standards of what constitutes decent singing and the bar set by the judges of these shows are not even remotely on the same continent. I thought all of the women were horrible, except Angela Hacker and the men were mostly passable when the judges were very critical. Could this be my anti-female singer bias? Ah, it could be, but Cricket and Robo agreed with me. (Cricket hating the whole thing, and Robo being a big time reality show whore.) [Angela Hacker is the only vaguely real person on the show. Sadly the show is so contrived, pretentious, precious and hideous as to be unwatchable without a few shots of Maker's.—Cric]

Let’s talk about a couple important things now: I loathe Anastasia Brown so much I could kiss a gator and Randy Owen is made of sex and booze (not that I want to sex him up, because he’s sort of like an uncle or something, but he’s so awesome he’s like booze and sex…okay, whatever, you get it). Blake Shelton is one of those generic country stars that really just passes under my radar. He’s sort of cute and he knows it, so I guess that’s good for him. I do comprehend that Anastasia is playing a role, which is to be the obnoxious host on a music stardom reality show. What bothers me about her isn’t that she’s obnoxious, rather I hate how she has her tits hanging out everywhere and has obviously had work done and she’s holding herself up as role model to women. Gimme a break, she is everything wrong with the music industry and the visual media industry—all flash, no content. Kindly fuck off and die.

The contestants:

Meg Allison is a yankee therefore will lose. She is pretty in that old fashioned, 1950’s throw-back way, so it’ll be sad to see her lose. She seems nice enough, so I hope she gets work somewhere else. [And her voice isn't so bad, she just needs help in choosing songs that suit it.—Cricket]

Whitney Duncan is every girl we run into when we go to 12th and Porter who is stalking the acts and hoping to sleep their way into a record deal. [I don't even see girls like this anymore, it's like there's just a blank space where they would be standing. There's just too many of them in Nashville to take in.—Cricket]

Angela Hacker sounds like Reba and if the little bio doc they showed is true, then she deserves to win because she has a real country-music life story. She is my top pick. And because this is TV, her brother is also a contestant, so they can play that for all it’s worth, so I hope that means they both get to stick around. [Love her!—Cric]

Zac Hacker (the brother) was alright, too. His voice wasn’t that strong, but he seems to feel it. He’s also chubby, so I give him a big round of applause for holding it down for the normal sized people on the teevee. [I didn't hate him. He can stay 'cause I like his sister.—Cricket]

Tim LaRoche got voted off on the first episode. He was born in Iceland and lives in White House (redneck area north of town), so I was SO ON THAT. I mean, ICELAND? What more do you want? Then in his bio doc he was all zen and insightful and I was SHOCKED. You see my capslock of love? Anyway, he got voted off first thing, so this show clearly has it out for cool people. Screw you, Nashville Star. [I even sort of remember what he said. Something to effect of, "I always hear people saying they are going to make their fortune and then do what makes them happy and to me life never seemed so expensive that you needed to do that." Yeah, I liked him alright.—Cricket]

Kacey Musgraves reminds me of the character Lyla Garrity (whose real name is Minka, wtf?) from Friday Night Lights. That is to say: a dumb cheerleader.

Rickyjoleen was voted off this week. She was 18 and dropped out of school in 8th grade. Excuse me, what? No. [Also she was more obnoxious than a truck full of drunk sorority girls.—Cric]

David St. Romain is just lame.

Joshua Stevens sounds like he wants to be Keith Urban, and I’m scared he’s gonna win. [I hate his hair. His singing is unmemorable.—Cricket]

I am surprised we haven’t met Dustin Wilkes already. He is going for an Outlaw image and was in the Marines. He’s my back up after Angela Hacker. Also, totally ping us, Dustin, let’s get a drink. [Yes, podcast with us, buddy, especially if you lose.—Cric]

Dude, seriously, this show is an absolute Nashville train wreck. It’s everything horrible about the country music industry and Nashville handed to you in an hour-long block of ass-kissing and fake smiles and patriotic bullshit. It’s like watching the enemy on CC-tv of their bathroom.

Tune in next week when I probably have a meltdown about how much money they’re spending on this crap and how it could save babies in Darfur.

[I won't subject y'all to much of my commentary on it, but my reality show of the moment is Cowboy U: Colorado on CMT. The girls are pretty amusingly awesome and the one blond is a hilarious train wreck (she only lasted a day and half because she couldn't live without a cell phone and a hairdryer). Plus like hockey there's potential for real injury here which makes it rock even harder. Sadly the guys aren't all super hot.—Cricket]

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