05.12.07

A post in which Cricket rants and Mimi gives necessary facts to those writing our biopic

Posted in random - May 12th, 2007 at 2:59 pm by Cricket & Mimi

Last night, we caught part of a show where both of us were enjoying the music: good lyrics, polished sound, stripped down and not over-blown. The kind of thing you’d think we HCT girls would go for.

But wait!

As it turns out, the musician was someone we’ve seen around town and talked to and he’d made such a negative impression that we couldn’t even give him a break for good music. Instead of a review, I’ve tried assuage my bitterness at him not being a talentless hack by writing a high-handed, sanctimonious list of tips for jerks like him to adhere to in their future forays out into public:

HCT presents: What Not to Do: A guide to behaving in Nashville, including everything you’d think basic common sense would dictate, but apparently doesn’t.

(Subtitled: Because being a good musician isn’t enough. Being good looking isn’t enough. Maybe when you’re famous you can pay an army of PR people to make you look good, make you look like you have a winning personality, but until then, you’re just going to have to act right in public. Here are some hints on how to do that.)

1. Be aware of who you are talking to.

You think she’s just the booker for the small corner bar that has live music once a week. This doesn’t make her status less than yours. Don’t try and look down her shirt, make gross innuendo to her or be dismissive of her. First of all, she might end up booking for the Ryman or the Grand Ol’ Opry one day and you’ll wish she was on your side then. For all you know she has a sister who’s already highly placed at Sony records. Maybe she’s already doing the booking for much larger venues and you don’t know it yet because she doesn’t think you’re ready for those places. Being dismissive of people because of what you perceive their current status to be will only hurt you later. Also trying to look down girls’ shirts in a blatant, leering, creeptastic way just makes you a shitbag and people will remember that about you. Especially the girl who probably isn’t going to get you any bookings now.

2. Always be nice to service people.

This goes along with the above in part, as just because someone’s bringing you drinks at night doesn’t mean they aren’t working at BMI or ASCAP by day. If you’re rude to your waitress, believe me, she’ll remember, even if you don’t. The guy handing you your tenth Miller High Life of the night might be nothing more than a bartender, but that doesn’t mean he’s without influence. He can see to it that you never get booked in that club again, or any other place where he knows people. And I guarantee, if he’s a bartender, he knows people. [You are not a special snowflake in Nashville if you play the guitar and sing a little. It might get you laid, but that’s just because all the chicks here are sluts. Remember the golden rule: treat people nicely or they will hate you forever and ruin you.--Mimi]

3. Be better than that.

No matter how good your music is it’s not the only thing people are going to judge you on. Don’t make that N-word joke that the boys back home always laughed at. When you hit on a girl and she shoots you down, don’t loudly call her a “lesbo” when she sits down with another girl. Especially if you hang out in a place where the actual lesbos might knock your redneck ass out.

Didn’t your mama teach you better, Mr. I Left My Good Sense at the Bottom of a Bottle of Dickel?

This isn’t a missive to say you should go around being fake or constantly worrying about who might be looking over your shoulder. What it really comes down to is: don’t be a drunk jackass. The irony of that statement coming from us is not lost on me. The difference is we generally get up to harmless shenanigans [Haha. What’s harmless, precious?--Mimi] whereas the above antics are pretty vile, and especially so in a business where networking is the key to everything. [And we have hit the bottomline, scout! Nashville is a small town. People know people. Simple concept, but, boy howdy, folks seem to totally miss it. If you wake up the next day after your Hot Damn bender and wonder “I wonder if someone remembers me insulting Bobby’s sister.” Oh, yeah, they do. They do and they’re telling everyone in their bluegrass band (thirty six people with rotating membership depending on the day of the week, harvest time, and if it’s raining or not) and everyone in the band is telling everyone they know, and pretty soon, buddy, you’re persona non grata…and all because of that cinnamon-flavored hooch…which is also a sissy drink, cut that out.--Mimi]

Whew, wow, can someone give me hand, stepping down off this high horse? I’m afraid I might break my ankle if I try to just jump down or something.

Obviously there’s people acting badly everywhere, but goodness knows there’s already enough jackassery in the music business on the corporate side, we don’t need it at street level too.

*
Hard-Core Troubadours Index, Episode Deuce

Amount of money, expressed in Canadian dollars, received for recycled beer cans accumulated at the Casa de HCT in two weeks: $5.25

Percentage of those cans that were Pabst Blue Ribbon: 86%

Of the remaining, non PBR cans in our recycling, percentage bought by us: 0

Number of hours spent by musicians changing the tire on our pickup truck in our backyard last week: approx. 11

Number of people working to change said tire: 4

Amount of skin sunburned during tire changing shenanigans, expressed in square centimeters: 3,985.37 [Ooops, sorry, redneck boys, we didn’t mean ‘sunburn,’ we totally meant ‘river tan.’—Cric]

Likelihood we’ll take pictures with our phones of people passed out in our house: 96%

Chance that we’ll get pissed off if you take pictures of us (passed out or awake): 100%

People who live at Casa de HCT: 2

Number of beds at CDHCT: 3

Night of the week that the third bed is least likely to be occupied: Tuesday

Chances the third bed occupier will leave CDHCT without new TIVO addiction: 1 in 78

Percentage of the third bed occupiers who leave without a new TIVO addiction who already had one: 100%

Number of people who have occupied that third bed in the past year: 43

Total posts made to HCT in the last 359 days: 97

Amount of comments left by y’all: 436

Artist with the most entries on the site: tie - Cory Branan and Lucero

Increase in number of shows we plan to attend this month over last month: +7

Chances we will like you better if you buy us a drink: 99%

Of the remaining one percent a drink will not work on, the chances you’re in a jam band: 45% [Or the jackass addressed in my previous rant.—Cric]

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